A blustery, sun-kissed winter afternoon..She and I take the back streets home from the dentist…..Wind and water in my eyes… 

Daughter: Are you crying?

Me: Don’t be silly

Daughter: You’re crying.

Me: No…I’m not crying…It’s cold..

Daughter: You’re crying.

Me: Oh for godsakes!!.

Daughter: You’re a crier mum.

Later that evening…..she enters the kitchen in search of food…

Daughter: What you making ?

Me: Pasta and Quorn mince..

She dips a fork in the saucepan, scowls and adds a ridiculous amount of salt…

Daughter: Are you crying now?

Me: Can you..stop!

Daughter: Just asking…because you cry at everything

Me: That’s not true ..

Daughter: It is mum..

Me: I cry at things that are moving..

Daughter: And you cry at things that aren’t…

Me: No I don’t…

At this point my daughter does a bizarre movement from one end of the kitchen to the other..takes an awkward step to the left.. ..a peculiar step to the right…followed by a wild body shake..

Daughter: Look mum, me…moving

I cry…because I’m laughing so much.. Suddenly she is utterly still, her head tilted to one side … her huge brown eyes staring at me woefully like Shrek’s Puss in Boots …Laughing so much…… I cry……

Daughter: I rest my case.

Daughter : Can I borrow some leggings?

Me: Don’t think I have any..

Daughter: Mum, you have a shop load…..

Me: No, I mean….I don’t think I have any good ones…they’re all stretched and full of holes

Daughter: Doesn’t matter…any old pair will do..

I rummage around in my chest of drawers…..and return empty-handed..

Daughter: Mum, you had like, a thousand pairs!

Me: I’ve probably left them at J’s ..

Daughter’s expression changes, suddenly she’s a picture of intense concentration as she searches my face for secrets a mother might be holding. She squints, moves in close, speaking in hushed tones…

Daughter : Has he been wearing them?

Me: What?

Daughter: Has your boyfriend been wearing your leggings?

Me: No..

Daughter: How would you know?

Me: Know what?

Daughter:  If he had..

Me: I would know.

Daughter: Or hadn’t…

Me: I would know

Daughter: How?

Me: I just would…

Daughter: They’re misshapen..

Me: Yes…

Daughter: Full of holes

Me: Yes..

Daughter: In his flat..

Me: Yes

Daughter: Is he a transvestite ?

Me: What?….

Daughter: A drag queen?

Me:..No

Daughter: How would you know?

Me: Oh for godsakes!!!

She walks through the door, smelling of fizz pop and fresh air… I swallow the comment lodged in my throat regarding the dishevelled condition of her school blazer…….

Me: I’m getting myself a drink. Would u like something?… Apple juice? Ginger beer? Mango smoothie. Or something warm?

Daughter takes a moment longer than a genuine smile to reflect on the question…..

Daughter: Yes please.

Me: What would u like?

She’s  looking so serious….

Daughter: The blood of my enemies.

Daughter: Can u wash Mr Bear ?

Me : What ?

Daughter : He’s covered in tuna and pasta..smells disgusting

Me : Mr Bear ?

Daughter : Yes, Mr Bear….you know the one I’ve had since I was 5..I woke up in the middle of the night to find him face down in a pool of pasta and tuna. It was very traumatic for me mum.

Me: Well maybe you should stop eating in your room or at the very least ….wash your dishes.

Daughter looks at me as though I am speaking a strange mix of Klingon & Patois embellished with a little cockney slang..

Daughter : Can you wash him please?

Me : Yes if you bring it down within the next 5 minutes.

Daughter looks a little wounded.

Daughter: Do you know how offensive you’re being right now?

Me : What have I said ?

Daughter : You called him….it

Me : Don’t be so silly…go and get the bear

Daughter: The bear?

Me : Yes.

Daughter: The bear ?

Me : For the love of.. yes, the bear..

Daughter : You mean Mr Bear…go and get Mr Bear

Me : Yes the teddy bear. Bring it down please

Daughter : Are you deliberately trying to hurt me mum?

Me: I am finding this conversation very, very, very disturbing…

Daughter : Mr Bear is one of us. Never forget that mum. Never.

My daughter, taller, longer, simply so much MORE than she was yesterday returns home from school in buoyant mood, her face and eyes beaming …I greet her with a smile… & try to get close enough to hug a cactus… 

Daughter : Why are you always here?

Me : Because I live here.

Daughter : Do you have to?

Me : Do I have to what?

Daughter : Live here.

Me : Don’t be silly…

Daughter : Anyway me and Sabeda are going out on Saturday.

Me : That’s nice. Where are you going?

Daughter : To a strip club..

I look at her as though she is perhaps someone else’s..anyone else’s child…

Daughter : That’s right, to a strip club…

Me : You and your Muslim friend are going to a strip club..

Daughter : Yes. Sabeda said she’s been living a veiled life for long enough. She wants to expand her horizons…

I’ve just washed my hair….coiled my shoulder length dreadlocks into huge bumps…I’m thinking I look pretty good…

Daughter : (staring mouth agape at my hair) You look like an aubergine.

I’m on the sofa crying my eyes out while watching DIY SOS….My daughter walks in, hovers around me for a long minute, music blaring from her mobile. Suddenly she’s still,  takes her headphones out, steps up close, inspects my face…

Daughter : Are you…are you…. crying …?

ME: This is so……

Daughter : You’re watching DIY SOS

ME: It’s so…

Daughter : And you’re crying..

ME: So moving..

She looks at the TV….at me..at the TV

Daughter : You’re actually crying at DIY SOS.

ME: See that couple..both dedicated health care workers…there was an accident…his spine was injured…and he can’t hug his little boy..and has to bathe in the kitchen because he can’t get upstairs…and she’s so patient with him but really misses him…who he was…and their house is a mess..and Nick Knowles and his team have given it a make-over… and they’re so gracious, the couple…and appreciative..and there are men in hard hats crying…it’s just too emotional…

My daughter doesn’t say anything for a very very very long time……

Daughter : What is WRONG with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????!!!!!!!!!!

Daughter : Can you pass me the plug for the mac please mum?

ME: In case you hadn’t noticed I’ve only just come in from work.

Daughter : It’s not like I’m asking you to run the marathon

ME: What’s wrong with your legs ?

Daughter : They’ve gone dead.

ME: That’s probably because you haven’t used them all day.

Daughter : You’re wrong there – for your information I did a lot of exercise today

I look at my daughter as though she is disturbed…

Daughter : It’s true!

ME: OK – so what exercise have you done today?

Daughter : Well…you’d be surprised..

ME: Surprise me…

Daughter : I walked downstairs, opened the fridge and took out my carton of Ben & Jerry ice-cream..it was exhausting….!!!

I spend the afternoon cleansing our home…burning sage to release negative energy lurking in the corners…. I’ve even doused myself in the sweet smelling smoke. Daughter comes home from school…

Daughter : What’s that smell?

ME: It’s white sage. People use it to purify spaces and you can even use it to cleanse your body, your aura…

Daughter : Do I need to call mental health services

ME: It’s true. You can read about it online.

Daughter : Why would I want to do that when I could be watching Hollyoaks on catch up?

ME: I’ve doused nana and aunty in the sage smoke

Daughter : You mean you’ve tried to kill them..

ME: Don’t be silly…Anyway, now it’s your turn…

My daughter looks at me as though I am way beyond help…I rush into my room to fetch the sage before she escapes upstairs and barricades herself in her room.)

ME: Now stand still and focus on positive thoughts…perhaps even say an uplifting mantra to yourself as I burn this around you…

She closes her eyes and I think oh how sweet she’s really giving this a try…I encircle my daughter with healing smoke…and she begins to chant…

Daughter : Hail Satan. Hail Satan. Hail Satan

ME: What?!

Daughter : Hail Satan…Hail Satan! ..Hail Satan…!

ME: I’m not sure if you fully understand the purpose of this ritual…

She makes her way upstairs chanting her mantra as she goes..