Daughter : Can I borrow some leggings?

Me: Don’t think I have any..

Daughter: Mum, you have a shop load…..

Me: No, I mean….I don’t think I have any good ones…they’re all stretched and full of holes

Daughter: Doesn’t matter…any old pair will do..

I rummage around in my chest of drawers…..and return empty-handed..

Daughter: Mum, you had like, a thousand pairs!

Me: I’ve probably left them at J’s ..

Daughter’s expression changes, suddenly she’s a picture of intense concentration as she searches my face for secrets a mother might be holding. She squints, moves in close, speaking in hushed tones…

Daughter : Has he been wearing them?

Me: What?

Daughter: Has your boyfriend been wearing your leggings?

Me: No..

Daughter: How would you know?

Me: Know what?

Daughter:  If he had..

Me: I would know.

Daughter: Or hadn’t…

Me: I would know

Daughter: How?

Me: I just would…

Daughter: They’re misshapen..

Me: Yes…

Daughter: Full of holes

Me: Yes..

Daughter: In his flat..

Me: Yes

Daughter: Is he a transvestite ?

Me: What?….

Daughter: A drag queen?

Me:..No

Daughter: How would you know?

Me: Oh for godsakes!!!