Me: Why have you drawn a penis the length of your forearm on your…forearm
Daughter: It’s 2020…a new decade…and I’m dreaming big…
Me: I can’t believe….I mean…I can’t…..you’re 20….20! Only yesterday you were this cheeky….shy…four year old…and now…..20! You’re 20….20
Daughter: LET GO OF MY ANKLES AND GET OFF THE FLOOR
Me: I think it’s a stray. He’s friendly but a little temperamental
Daughter: Look at the cat. Look at it and tell me it’s not on heroin
Me: I think, if he comes to live with us, we should call him Sammy Davis Jr
Daughter: I am a motherless child. You are not my mother. I have no mother. I will not be calling it by that name. Are you crazy?
A frail elderly patient in the BBC’s Big Hospital Experiment is at last able to feed himself with the loving care of two young volunteers…He turns to them, the angels by his bed…says ‘Thank you’ with grace and a smile and I…lose it….
Daughter: Oh here we go – it’s fucking DIY SOS all over again.
Me: Can you please open a savings account so I can put some money in there
Daughter: Here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna open the fridge – that’s what I’m gonna do
Daughter: If you don’t stop eating my Indomie Special Chicken noodles I will kill you