Yuletide Memories





Me: Why have you drawn a penis the length of your forearm on your…forearm

Daughter: It’s 2020…a new decade…and I’m dreaming big…




Me: I think it’s a stray. He’s friendly but a little temperamental

Daughter: Look at the cat. Look at it and tell me it’s not on heroin

Me: I think, if he comes to live with us, we should call him Sammy Davis Jr

Daughter: I am a motherless child. You are not my mother. I have no mother. I will not be calling it by that name. Are you crazy?




The Kindness of Strangers

A frail elderly patient in the BBC’s Big Hospital Experiment is at last able to feed himself with the loving care of two young volunteers…He turns to them, the angels by his bed…says ‘Thank you’ with grace and a smile and I…lose it….

Daughter: Oh here we go – it’s fucking DIY SOS all over again.