I spend the afternoon cleansing our home…burning sage to release negative energy lurking in the corners…. I’ve even doused myself in the sweet smelling smoke. Daughter comes home from school…

Daughter : What’s that smell?

ME: It’s white sage. People use it to purify spaces and you can even use it to cleanse your body, your aura…

Daughter : Do I need to call mental health services

ME: It’s true. You can read about it online.

Daughter : Why would I want to do that when I could be watching Hollyoaks on catch up?

ME: I’ve doused nana and aunty in the sage smoke

Daughter : You mean you’ve tried to kill them..

ME: Don’t be silly…Anyway, now it’s your turn…

My daughter looks at me as though I am way beyond help…I rush into my room to fetch the sage before she escapes upstairs and barricades herself in her room.)

ME: Now stand still and focus on positive thoughts…perhaps even say an uplifting mantra to yourself as I burn this around you…

She closes her eyes and I think oh how sweet she’s really giving this a try…I encircle my daughter with healing smoke…and she begins to chant…

Daughter : Hail Satan. Hail Satan. Hail Satan

ME: What?!

Daughter : Hail Satan…Hail Satan! ..Hail Satan…!

ME: I’m not sure if you fully understand the purpose of this ritual…

She makes her way upstairs chanting her mantra as she goes..