Thank You NHS

Daughter: Don’t forget to clap tonight. I would do it but my pots and pans and the utensils I use to beat those pots and pans are in the sink. You’re representing the household. Please don’t bring shame to our doorstep. Make sure you moisturise your hands before 8pm so you don’t give some dry applause.


The World’s Turned Upside Down

She storms into my writing room with a bowl of Ben and Jerry’s chocolate fudge ice-cream for breakfast …

Daughter: Like it’s not bad enough that MacDonald’s and Nando’s have shut forever..

Me: What’s happened?

She leans in and points to a solitary grey hair sprouting on her young head…



Lockdown Madness

Daughter: Mum! Mum! Mum!

Me: What?!

Daughter: Can you make me a sandwich please?

Me: What’s wrong with your legs?

Daughter: Can’t find them.

Me: Don’t care

Daughter: While I’m looking for them can you make me a sandwich.

Me: No.

Daughter: Mum! Mum! Mum!

Me: What?!!

Daughter: Can’t find my legs. Can you make me a sandwich?





Corona & Grime Workout

Got my headphones on…I’m building muscle, bearing weight, staying sane in uncertain times and shaking my booty & soul to Stormzy. I open my eyes and she’s in the doorway not understanding, no, HORRIFIED at what she’s seeing…

Daughter: Don’t you think we’ve had enough trauma? The world’s turned upside down with COVID-19 and you want to bring me more? No mother, no,  it will never be OK for you to twerk-out to Stormzy. Wasn’t OK before Corona, it isn’t now and never will be. Not ever. Never. Stop. Stop.



Me: I think it’s a stray. He’s friendly but a little temperamental

Daughter: Look at the cat. Look at it and tell me it’s not on heroin

Me: I think, if he comes to live with us, we should call him Sammy Davis Jr

Daughter: I am a motherless child. You are not my mother. I have no mother. I will not be calling it by that name. Are you crazy?




The Kindness of Strangers

A frail elderly patient in the BBC’s Big Hospital Experiment is at last able to feed himself with the loving care of two young volunteers…He turns to them, the angels by his bed…says ‘Thank you’ with grace and a smile and I…lose it….

Daughter: Oh here we go – it’s fucking DIY SOS all over again.