The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far

Her dogged determination to arrive at things her way, her downright infuriating, relentless tenacity, her quiet sometimes irreverent confidence…Arrgh! Whose daughter does she think she is ???!!!

Daughter: OK, so for the name of the university it’s £10, course details £5, a side order of information will cost a further £5…

I hand over the money…

Daughter: University of the Arts London, LCC, BA Photography, term starts September, think I wanna stay in halls of residence for the first year. Why are you smiling? Stop that. Stop smiling. See this is why I don’t tell you things. That thing you’re doing with your mouth – stop. Stop smiling…



Stairwell Encounter

Daughter: Squashies for dinner please and there’s something else…

Me: What’s that?

Daughter: I am unhinged.

Me: I’ve known that for a long, long time…

Daughter: Why didn’t you tell me?


Half-Term 2019

Daughter: Ok, 1) Yes, I’m going to Uni in September. Ask no questions and you won’t be disappointed by the absence of answers. Information will be given on a strictly need to know basis. 2) The mice are back, I can hear them in the skirting board so we need a cat as in now. Do not get another cat that looks like a grown man. Do not bring a clinically depressed, emotionally unstable or comatose creature into this house. I’ll need to be able to train the thing to hold a weapon and no, Battersea animal shelter cannot email the cat to you nor will it be able to read a map and make its own way here so you’ll need to be proactive. 3) I’d like a cup of hot chocolate for dinner please…

Me: Hot chocolate isn’t food…

Daughter: It is…if I eat it…with a fork…



Last Day in Malaga

She’ll be making her way home from Uni as I watch the sun fade over Torre del Mar…I check in via email since she’s SIM card – free and has been for a long long while…(a daughter’s creatively cruel, utterly absurd and potent act of rebellion)…

I try in vain to keep things short and sugar-free … 

Me: Hope everything’s fine @home & Uni. Did you say sweets &hot chocolate from Spain? 😊xxX
Daughter: And clothes. No need for kisses. Stop that.
Me: X X x x x x x x xX x x x x x x

UCAS 2019

Me: So what are your thoughts regarding university?

Daughter: Don’t have any..

Me: What?

Daughter: Thoughts..

Me: I’m serious. LCC – UAL?

Daughter: What is that? Some kind of cryptic fucking morse code?

Me: Stop being silly. Where would you like to study?

Daughter: Beijing