Summer 2019

Daughter: Ok, here’s the thing. I’m probably going to Lisbon in August

Me: That’s great. Who with?

Daughter: Nelson Mandela

Me: He’s dead

Daughter: That’s a shame. Anyway – the thing is – the plane ticket’s gonna be expensive – so…

Me: Can lend you a little…

Daughter: Don’t need money. Know any pilots?


Nothing’s Free

Me: Could you do me a huge favour while I’m away and pick up my Amazon parcel from the Co-op. It has to be collected by Saturday. There’s a £10 fee in it for you.

Know what’s coming before it arrives…

Daughter: 15

Me: 12.50

Daughter: 14.99

Me: Be reasonable – 12.50

Daughter: 14.95

Me: 13

Daughter: 13.80

Me: For the love of God – OK!

Daughter:…and a donkey.



Things Just Won’t Be the Same When She Leaves

Makes me smile, the way she’s still in touch with friends from secondary school…some bonds don’t fray.. 

Me: What are they doing now? How are they?

Daughter: Dead

Makes me smile when I pass her room and hear her waxing happy on the phone to a close friend from primary school days… 

I knock on her door to ask what madam wants for dinner…

Me: You seem happy…who was that?

A little risky, but I dare.

Daughter: Were you listening ?

Me: Of course not, just heard in passing,..

Daughter: It was Alex.

Me: Oh how lovely. How is she?

Daughter: Dead.



The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far

Her dogged determination to arrive at things her way, her downright infuriating, relentless tenacity, her quiet sometimes irreverent confidence…Arrgh! Whose daughter does she think she is ???!!!

Daughter: OK, so for the name of the university it’s £10, course details £5, a side order of information will cost a further £5…

I hand over the money…

Daughter: University of the Arts London, LCC, BA Photography, term starts September, think I wanna stay in halls of residence for the first year. Why are you smiling? Stop that. Stop smiling. See this is why I don’t tell you things. That thing you’re doing with your mouth – stop. Stop smiling…