Me: Can you please open a savings account so I can put some money in there

Daughter: Here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna open the fridge – that’s what I’m gonna do

Daughter: If you don’t stop eating my Indomie Special Chicken noodles I will kill you

Daughter: Ok, here’s the thing. I’m probably going to Lisbon in August

Me: That’s great. Who with?

Daughter: Nelson Mandela

Me: He’s dead

Daughter: That’s a shame. Anyway – the thing is – the plane ticket’s gonna be expensive – so…

Me: Can lend you a little…

Daughter: Don’t need money. Know any pilots?

Daughter: They’ve offered me Tooting

Me: How do you feel about that?

Daughter: When I’m dead, then and only then, will I live in Tooting.

Me: Could you do me a huge favour while I’m away and pick up my Amazon parcel from the Co-op. It has to be collected by Saturday. There’s a £10 fee in it for you.

Know what’s coming before it arrives…

Daughter: 15

Me: 12.50

Daughter: 14.99

Me: Be reasonable – 12.50

Daughter: 14.95

Me: 13

Daughter: 13.80

Me: For the love of God – OK!

Daughter:…and a donkey.

Daughter: I’m taking an Uber to Student Halls in September…

Me: No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Makes me smile, the way she’s still in touch with friends from secondary school…some bonds don’t fray.. 

Me: What are they doing now? How are they?

Daughter: Dead

Makes me smile when I pass her room and hear her waxing happy on the phone to a close friend from primary school days… 

I knock on her door to ask what madam wants for dinner…

Me: You seem happy…who was that?

A little risky, but I dare.

Daughter: Were you listening ?

Me: Of course not, just heard in passing,..

Daughter: It was Alex.

Me: Oh how lovely. How is she?

Daughter: Dead.

Daughter: Nothing. It’s cheese. Probably tastes better than anything and everything you’ve ever attempted to feed me…so step out of the frame…and stop giving the mould shade..

Her dogged determination to arrive at things her way, her downright infuriating, relentless tenacity, her quiet sometimes irreverent confidence…Arrgh! Whose daughter does she think she is ???!!!

Daughter: OK, so for the name of the university it’s £10, course details £5, a side order of information will cost a further £5…

I hand over the money…

Daughter: University of the Arts London, LCC, BA Photography, term starts September, think I wanna stay in halls of residence for the first year. Why are you smiling? Stop that. Stop smiling. See this is why I don’t tell you things. That thing you’re doing with your mouth – stop. Stop smiling…

Daughter: Squashies for dinner please and there’s something else…

Me: What’s that?

Daughter: I am unhinged.

Me: I’ve known that for a long, long time…

Daughter: Why didn’t you tell me?