Nothing’s Free

Me: Could you do me a huge favour while I’m away and pick up my Amazon parcel from the Co-op. It has to be collected by Saturday. There’s a £10 fee in it for you.

Know what’s coming before it arrives…

Daughter: 15

Me: 12.50

Daughter: 14.99

Me: Be reasonable – 12.50

Daughter: 14.95

Me: 13

Daughter: 13.80

Me: For the love of God – OK!

Daughter:…and a donkey.



A Parent’s Rite of Passage

Daughter: I’m taking an Uber to Student Halls in September…

Me: No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Things Just Won’t Be the Same When She Leaves

Makes me smile, the way she’s still in touch with friends from secondary school…some bonds don’t fray.. 

Me: What are they doing now? How are they?

Daughter: Dead

Makes me smile when I pass her room and hear her waxing happy on the phone to a close friend from primary school days… 

I knock on her door to ask what madam wants for dinner…

Me: You seem happy…who was that?

A little risky, but I dare.

Daughter: Were you listening ?

Me: Of course not, just heard in passing,..

Daughter: It was Alex.

Me: Oh how lovely. How is she?

Daughter: Dead.



The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far

Her dogged determination to arrive at things her way, her downright infuriating, relentless tenacity, her quiet sometimes irreverent confidence…Arrgh! Whose daughter does she think she is ???!!!

Daughter: OK, so for the name of the university it’s £10, course details £5, a side order of information will cost a further £5…

I hand over the money…

Daughter: University of the Arts London, LCC, BA Photography, term starts September, think I wanna stay in halls of residence for the first year. Why are you smiling? Stop that. Stop smiling. See this is why I don’t tell you things. That thing you’re doing with your mouth – stop. Stop smiling…



Half-Term 2019

Daughter: Ok, 1) Yes, I’m going to Uni in September. Ask no questions and you won’t be disappointed by the absence of answers. Information will be given on a strictly need to know basis. 2) The mice are back, I can hear them in the skirting board so we need a cat as in now. Do not get another cat that looks like a grown man. Do not bring a clinically depressed, emotionally unstable or comatose creature into this house. I’ll need to be able to train the thing to hold a weapon and no, Battersea animal shelter cannot email the cat to you nor will it be able to read a map and make its own way here so you’ll need to be proactive. 3) I’d like a cup of hot chocolate for dinner please…

Me: Hot chocolate isn’t food…

Daughter: It is…if I eat it…with a fork…