Stairwell Encounter

Daughter: Squashies for dinner please and there’s something else…

Me: What’s that?

Daughter: I am unhinged.

Me: I’ve known that for a long, long time…

Daughter: Why didn’t you tell me?


Half-Term 2019

Daughter: Ok, 1) Yes, I’m going to Uni in September. Ask no questions and you won’t be disappointed by the absence of answers. Information will be given on a strictly need to know basis. 2) The mice are back, I can hear them in the skirting board so we need a cat as in now. Do not get another cat that looks like a grown man. Do not bring a clinically depressed, emotionally unstable or comatose creature into this house. I’ll need to be able to train the thing to hold a weapon and no, Battersea animal shelter cannot email the cat to you nor will it be able to read a map and make its own way here so you’ll need to be proactive. 3) I’d like a cup of hot chocolate for dinner please…

Me: Hot chocolate isn’t food…

Daughter: It is…if I eat it…with a fork…



Last Day in Malaga

She’ll be making her way home from Uni as I watch the sun fade over Torre del Mar…I check in via email since she’s SIM card – free and has been for a long long while…(a daughter’s creatively cruel, utterly absurd and potent act of rebellion)…

I try in vain to keep things short and sugar-free … 

Me: Hope everything’s fine @home & Uni. Did you say sweets &hot chocolate from Spain? 😊xxX
Daughter: And clothes. No need for kisses. Stop that.
Me: X X x x x x x x xX x x x x x x

UCAS 2019

Me: So what are your thoughts regarding university?

Daughter: Don’t have any..

Me: What?

Daughter: Thoughts..

Me: I’m serious. LCC – UAL?

Daughter: What is that? Some kind of cryptic fucking morse code?

Me: Stop being silly. Where would you like to study?

Daughter: Beijing